5/8/13 So, I followed my nose and started digging, and before too long I found an entire tank of poop, buried and forgotten in the yard! An entire tank of poop!
5/1/13 “Yes, I farted, and now I’m leaving. It’s the perfect exit, it stops the conversation and leaves people thinking of me after I’ve gone.”
4/24/13 We’ve been through this before… I don’t know why he didn’t send a new picture.. I’m not allowed to talk to the Press… I’m just saying… I’ve said too much already…
Goodbye, Java, I’ll see you on the other side.
4/10/13 Shhhh. I’m waiting for a gopher to pop up so I can grab him. I can hear his stomach rumbling, and they hate to fart in their burrows.
4/3/13 No, the grass doesn’t smell like fish, it smells like cats, that’s why I said it smells like pu…
3/27/13 Would it make you feel better if I tried to crap directly into your little plastic bag?
3/20/13 Oh, you’re calling me from the roof! Aren’t you smart? What a clever master! Your problem is, you have to come down sooner or later…
3/13/13 This is my old driver’s license photo from 2007. I hated it at the time, but I’d love to look like that now! That was 30 dog years ago, I’ve put a little junk in the trunk since then!
3/6/13 Vegetarian dog food? Idiot, do I look like a cow? Why do you think I have these canine teeth? Let me show you how they handle meat!
2/27/13 What kind of bird has huge speckled white wings and a dark head and just dropped a large, still wrigging fish straight above your head?
2/20/13 No, of course I wouldn’t have eaten him if I’d known he was the Easter Bunny!
2/13/13 You know, I’m going to go with frog; radial frog to be exact.
2/6/13 “It wasn’t me who got into the trash! It was cats, trying to frame me! A bunch of dog-hating cats! My breath smells like moldy meat? Well, you know what I do with my tongue, that could be anything! You got nothing on me. “
1/30/13 Yeah, you tripped over one of the strings hanging from your shoe; your head hit the ground like a pie from a tall cow. It’s the shoes, I’ve told you before! They’re also why your feet are so hairless and disgusting, and why your toes don’t make that pleasing “tap tap tap” sound on the floor when you walk, like mine do.
1/23/13 No, I do not know where he is and if I did I would not tell you. You know I am not allowed to divulge any information about The Fringe (good name for him)
1/16/13 I sat in the sand and now my cookie feels like a sugar doughnut.
1/9/13 Thanks for the great bling. You know what the other dogs in the neighborhood call me now? “Ding Dog”. They’re saying you dress me funny.
1/2/13 By “gun dog” may I hope you make reference to my studly junk?
12/26/12 Yeah, in the snow the icy dingleberries are a problem, but all this rain has its problems too. When I shook my head this morning a tree frog flew from my ear.
12/19/12 I did see the ball, that was quite a throw. I guess my question is, if you wanted it, why did you throw it?
12/12/12 I’ve told you before, I am NOT allowed to speak to anyone unless HE is present. Stop bothering me, do I need a restraining order?
12/5/12 There’s a tick on one of the kids, and I get sprayed with poison. I guess I should consider myself lucky that you don’t come out and beat me when one of them farts.
11/28/12 You can fool your doctor, you can fool your wife but you can’t fool me. I smell a bacon-donut sandwich leaking out of your pores.
11/21/12 God, I’m bored. I want to find a squirrel and rip it from the earth and snap it’s furry little spine with my teeth. Or, I guess, left over turkey would also be good.
11/14/12 I’m just saying if you licked yourself like I’ve shown you, your junk wouldn’t have that funny chemical smell. Probably improve your breath, too.
11/7/12 So, let me get this straight, there were two big dogs, Obamadog and Mittydog, and they snarled and growled and circled each other and scratched at the dirt and pissed on everything in sight, but instead of ever biting each other on the balls, everyone watching decided from the growling who was big dog? If I actually bit them both on the balls would I not be big dog?
10/31/12 Halloween is the nation’s number one day NOT to drive drunk.
10/24/12 Do these pants make your butt look big? Yes, and not only that, your butt makes the pants look small.
10/17/12 And so the guys says, “don’t be ridiculous, dogs can’t talk” and I was absolutely dumbfounded.
10/10/12 Yes, that was me screaming. I now know exactly how long it takes a peach pit to travel through the average sized dog. Call it science, if you like.
10/3/12 OK, maybe you did tell me a million times not to crap in the yard, my butt overcomes my little brain and I forget. You want a pet that remembers, get a freaking elephant. Then you’ll see what it is to have a “pile of crap as big as a car” in the yard.
9/26/12 I don’t know, but it tasted quite a bit like chicken.
- 9/12/12 “I’ll be doggone”, you say, now does that mean you’re running away?
- 9/5/12 Ok, sorry I scattered trash everywhere, try to forgive me as I forgave you for bobbing my tail and snatching my testicles. Consider us even if you like.
- 8/29/12 No, I don’t really have anything to say… I don’t know what’s wrong with “what’s his name”, I’m not really allowed to speak to the press without him…
8/22/12 Honestly, you worry because you imagine. Dogs don’t imagine, and we don’t guess and we don’t pretend to know what we don’t, and so we greet each minute as new and pregnant with potential for food or play or a good hump. You imagine too much, brother, it makes you a strain to be around sometimes, seriously. I tell you this because I love you.
8/15/12 Cooter in the Humboldt County Dog Jail!
“Really, I’m telling you, the stuff wasn’t mine, a friend left it in my doghouse. I thought it was catnip.”
Disposition: Time served, fine of a hundred bucks, two weeks community service, rehab.
8/8/12 I’m not barking at the moon, I’m baying at the moon, and no I don’t know what time it is, how the hell would I know?
- 8/1/12 Cooter? I swear I don’t where he is, I heard he was traveling. I wouldn’t be out here if he was around, he don’t like squirrels, or maybe he likes them too much… heard him say something about squirrels being tasty…
- 7/25/12 What stupid stare?
- 7/18/12 You are getting very sleepy. You will listen only to the sound of my voice. You are under my complete control. When I awaken you, you will go to the freezer and throw all the meat into the yard. You will awaken when I snap my fingers. Oh! Damn! No fingers! Darn, I was this close. Crap! Again no fingers!
- 7/11/12 I steal eggs because you won’t let me keep chickens. I remind you of the words of Marx.
Karl? No, I meant Groucho. He said, “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
- 7/4/12 You chain me up like a common criminal, without a trial or testimony on my behalf? Well, I have news for you, Mr. Liberty, you ARE the oppressor, you ARE the establishment. Viva Che!
- 6/27/12 Yeah, Liz gave me the office next to Java, so we’ve been spending some sniff time together. She’s actually quite a bitch.
- 6/20/12 Yeah, instead of that crappy Chinese hot dog you gave me, Liz promised options and residuals. I’m selecting sheep as my stock, and intend to eat the residuals first, if possible. I hope they are crispy.