2015 Reviewed by DeVita 12/31/14

2015 The Year in Review
A Fringe Prognostication
by DeVita

fringe logoAfter years of making predictions about the New Year your Fringe Editor has learned that virtually no one ever thinks to go back and check the accuracy of those predictions. As no one has ever called me on my predictions, I like to claim 100% accuracy. With such a remarkable record, I feel a responsibility to provide a heads up for the coming year. Wonderful readers, I give you 2015; the Year in Review.

In California, 900 new laws woke up on the books, and the legislature realized that the nearly one thousand new laws brought the number of laws in California to a near infinite number, making it virtually impossible for the average person not to break laws every day. Realizing the entire body has been failing its mandate, the legislature immediately created, and Governor Marron swiftly signed, a new tax known as The Undiscovered Criminal Tax, which taxed every person in the state about $800.00, the amount they should have paid in fines.

In Chicago a White cop kills a Black cop and the city erupts in violence as anti-racism and pro-racism and anti-cop and pro-cop factions take to the street. Though no one is clear why they are demonstrating, everyone is certain that the moment requires some violence.

The Ivory Billed Woodpecker is declared extinct.
A Republican congress passes a resolution blaming Obama for the creation of ISIS as a way to spread affordable care across the globe. They cite the rebel group’s early “badly botched surgeries” and promise that if things continue, “grandma will be next”.
The Gray Wolf is reintroduced in California. Forty-Eight wolf clones are released in four Northern California counties. The exact counties are not named, for fear hunters would seek the wolves.

The Obama Administration sends a bill to the congress outlawing triggers on firearms. It offers even swifter background checks in exchange. Congress responds as every Republican members openly carries. Obama withdraws his bill.

The Republican Congress passes a resolution blaming Obama for global climate change, while denying the existence of global climate change. The resolution simply says “you know what you did.”
In California, the boards of supervisors of the Northern, water producing counties come to an agreement on the meaning, for their residents, of the new rules on grazing, surface waters and local ground water. County leaders vow to increase the flow of water south by “at least a six pack per person per day”.
The number of registered Independents reaches an all time high.

After four months in reconciliation talks, and an offer from the US to invest a billion dollars in the island nation to jump start capitalism there, including introducing large scale GMO agriculture, mining in the Sierra Maestra mountains and off shore fracking, Cuba announces it is applying an embargo to the United States.
In California, a cattle truck containing 48 Gray Wolves drives South, releasing the wolves in Sacramento.

The Republican congress sends a bill to the White House dismantling the Affordable Care Act and instead offering every American a bottle of aspirin, an Ace bandage, a bag of rectal feeding solution, a list of health insurers specializing in the poor, and a jar of petroleum jelly labeled “put it where it hurts.”. Obama vetoes the bill, but Republicans promise he’ll see it again.
The number of registered Independents reaches an all time high.

The Republican house passes a bill lowering the minimum wage. In order to ease the burden on the nation’s poor, they lower the poverty level, making everyone feel more rich, they hope.
Agents of the RNC spread the rumor that Hillary is actually a man, and Bill knew but tolerated the situation because of his firm liberal beliefs. The rumor is accompanied by a Facebook meme that shows Hillary before shaving in the morning. The rumor gains legs until Hillary is forced to do a selfie in a Capital bathroom and sext it to the DNC for proper distribution.

The Republican Congress passes a resolution blaming Obama for diarrhea. They cite his close ties with the tissue industry, which, they claim, already profit from “the boo hoos of the bleeding heart left”.
The number of registered Independents reaches an all time high.
Sacramento newspapers report an all time low in the number of stray dogs and cats in the city. A few ponies are also missing.

The Democrats in the House offer a bill which would make every parent in the US the guardian of their own child. Each parent would be subject to a background check, a health exam, and a means test. Those who failed would have their children removed and placed in foster care. The expected increase in the demand for foster care prompts the Dems to lower the requirements for foster care providers, which means that some parents who lose their children might be able to get them as foster kids. The House Republicans promise the bill won’t leave the House unless it carries an amendment paying Christian parent foster parents to take their children foster children to church.
The number of registered Independents reaches an all time high.

The Republican congress passes a bill changing the name “Thanksgiving” to “Early American Christians day.” At first there is public resistance, but organized protests melt away, absorbed by the Early American Christians Day sales rush.
Sacramento area newspapers report record low numbers of homeless people in local shelters.

President Barack Obama takes the podium early in the month to address the nation. “I thank our heavenly Father that I have only one year of this crap left. I’m going to move to a holler in the deep South and raise hogs on mushrooms and acorns for a few years to cleanse my soul. Good luck, you poor chumps.”
The number of registered Independents reaches an all time high.
The County of Sacramento attempts to act on reports of up to 70 wolves sighted in the county, but an environmental group from Texas files suit, stopping them. A county spokesperson offers to capture the wolves and send them to Texas.

There you have it, cousins, something to look forward to.

As always, keep your head down, and good luck!

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