Gabby Makes Up 5/10/17

Gabby Fringette

Gabby Does Makeup by Gabby Fringette

There should be a video for this, or at least a few pictures. There aren’t. But here are a few pointers and step-by-steps for makeup!

Step one: the foundation. According to a magazine I read, foundation is out now. Go bare. This is good because I’m lazy, and I touch my face. A lot. Instead, you should have a facial routine. Washing your face with either some store bought product with a lot of words you can’t pronounce in the ingredients list, or you could use baking soda in the shower, or diluted apple cider vinegar. The ACV may sting a little, wash it off after a minute, make sure you dilute it well. This routine will keep your skin nice and clean and glowy. Also, moisturize. If you have wrinkles, accept it. The foundation and cover up wouldn’t help, frankly, it might make you look desperate. Instead, take solace that foundation and all the other products girls put on their skin clogs the pores and can actually speed aging. Yes, not only are the little hotties getting old, but they are getting older faster.

Step two: eyeliner. Do the eyeliner before the eyeshadow, that way, if you mess up on the liner, you don’t have to erase the eyeshadow. If you want to look subtle, use a lighter colored liner, instead of the black. There are three kinds of eyeliners: pencil, used mostly for doing ’emo’ or ‘punk’ eyes, or for coloring in the water line. This is the little delicate bit of skin behind your eyelashes, close to your eye. This part, can be painful. This part of the body shouldn’t actually have anything on it, ever. But if you must do your waterline, use the pencil instead of a liquid liner or a gel, because if you get that in your eyes, not only will it hurt and you will cry, you’ll have pigmented so you’ll cry black tears and be shunned by humans as the vain demon you are. The next kind of liner is the gel. This one sucks because you have to keep the tiny little specialized brush clean, which means washing it and thoroughly drying it. And it’s small. So if you lose it, you’re doomed. You are going to lose it. Then there’s liquid liner, in both pen and paint form. This is good for doing the wicked sharp cat or winged eyeliner. That is, if you want to look like an edgy tumblr hoe. The most important thing to remember about eyeliner is: it is difficult, you’re holding pointy things by your eye, you need to be patient and precise, and if you put on just a little bit too much, you look like a prostitute. If you are lazy, have shaky hands, or are already content with your appearance, I’d say skip this step.

Step three: eyeshadow. This goes on after the eyeliner, if you so choose to do eyeliner. Always start with a light base color that is near your own skin color. If you have a crease in your eyelid, then line it with a slightly darker shade. Remember: lots of bright colors make you look like a street-walker, or worse yet, a model for Glamour. Don’t do smoky eye. It just make your look simultaneously like you are exhausted and you’ve been beaten.

Step four: eyelashes. You could do fake eyelashes. But it feels like a caterpillar is holding onto your eye for dear life. You can probably get away with some mascara. Easy to do. Just don’t put too much on. And if you do, you can’t just take a little off. You have to take all of it off. Also, don’t poke yourself in the eye.

Step five: the lips. Some people say line your lips, fill it in with a brush, blah blah. But I say, just go for it. Use the tube, apply your shade, blot, and you’re good. Now, what shade should you use? Just use one that is two shades darker than your actual lip color. Red is hard to pull off, but if you can it, go for it. Or just use lipgloss, it’s easy to apply, it’s usually scented and has a flowery package because lots of tweens use it. It’s fun.
Now, there are a few lipstick trends out there that are utter crap. Lollipop lips. This is where you smudge the lipstick outside of your lips to ‘make it look like you just had a lollipop.’ Now, I don’t know many people who fellate their lollipops, maybe I’m missing something, but this, of all makeup trends, will make you look like a 2-dolla hooker. Don’t do lollipop lips. There are a few others, ombre lips, glitter lips, etc, that are difficult to do, and you can’t wear ’em. Not if you want to eat, talk, drink anything, or move your mouth. Because they will smear, they will look bad.

Step six: enjoy. The best way to enjoy makeup, is to stay home, avoiding other humans. This is best done with a pet of some kind. You can actually skip the makeup to do this.

So, that’s pretty much it. Everything you need to know about makeup. Or at least everything I know. Which is good enough.