by Gabby Fringette
Tis the season to get SPOOKY. Now, there are many different types of costume, each has different pros and cons depending how much money you have, your age, the company you will keep on the day, and where you are located. Let us go through them.
Sexy anything, for both men and women. These costumes look good on some people. Yeah, if you have a model’s body you can totally pull off a Sailor Moon costume, or if you’re ripped go for that sexy shirtless fireman. These costumes have some caveats, though. They are impractical or inappropriate if:
1. you will be around children, the very elderly, your heavily ashamed mother.
2. if it’s cold. You’ll freeze. Your corpse will be all the more seasonable, but you’ll still be frozen.
3. If you are younger than 18. Yes, Suzi, you may have your ta-tas now, but you can’t be sexy Red Ridinghood. You are underaged. Also, I feel that people who are older or ungroomed will come off as wearing the costume more as a joke.
Th next one can take many shapes and forms, and is good for (almost) all ages. The legitimately scary costume. This one is a crafted masterpiece. You spent a long time getting the scab blood just right, and now you really DO look like the risen dead. This costume isn’t sexual, it’s scary. You can add on as much clothing as you need to (in most cases) in order to be warm. But this may not be for you if:
1. you are around little kids. Don’t be the insensitive prick who goes to an event with little kids who is dressed as something scary.
2. you don’t know what you’re doing. Sure, it looked easy in the youtube tutorial. But if you are clumsy, you could mess everything else up, including your face if you’re working with something like hot gelatin.
3. are going to have to do anything strenuous. Dancing, running, bobbing for apples, they could all mess up your wax scars.
The funny costume. These are great, they are often puns. Like if you were to stick toy chickens and magnets to yourself you would be a ‘chick magnet’. These costumes are great, and even if people don’t get it, who cares they are ignorant swine. However…
1. Don’t be the person who thinks a funny couple’s costume is Anne Frank and Hitler. You will be kicked out of a lot of places.
2.Keep it clean, you may go as some form of dirty joke (a bloody tampon, or have a big fake snake coming out of your zipper and calling yourself a ‘snake charmer’.
3. They may not come out as good as they were supposed to, but with a little work they can be great.
Then there’s the ‘normie’ costumes. These are the cheap skeleton costumes made with sheer, uncomfortable fabric. These are good if you’re pressed for time. But:
2. they can be expensive, especially if you are buying a costume to dress up as a popular character from a recent movie. A Harley Quinn (see costume class 1) costs $60 easily.
3. They can be as dangerous as hot gelatin in the eye. The fabric these costumes are made from are often either highly flammable and/or treated with toxic chemicals.
Then we have the homemade costumes, which all of these but the ‘normie’ can fall into. They can range from simple to complex. They are a great outlet for creativity and can be cheaper than a ‘normie’ costume that won’t kill you. But
1. they can be more expensive. Don’t go overboard.
2. They are time consuming.
3. ???? I really can’t think of a third thing.
Stay spooky, all.