Plague of the Healthy 5/1/13

Their own punishment: the plague of healthy habits.fringe logo

The Fringe F’s O.   

It’s been well understood since the times of the Ancients that nothing will make you old faster than being a responsible adult.  It’s true that meth and pure spirits will take your teeth and give you a face like an old cow’s ass, but at least it was a giggle getting there.  Being a responsible adult and living the clean life will leave you old and spent but not sick enough to die, and all you’ll have to show for it is the love and respect of family, friends and community.  Sure, it might seem like a good trade at first glance, but let’s compare and contrast a little bit.

It’s important to note that bad habits are self-limiting, bacchus rubenswhile good habits can be intractable; once you have really good habits, you’ve got them for life.  Bad habits, not so much.  It might take awhile, but eventually you get too broke and gruesome to attract the hotter skanks, and by and by your esophagus gets too cheesy to funnel anything flammable.  Sooner or later your nasal septum blows through and you can’t get enough vacuum to snort.  Gluttony your poison?  Your organs will conspire to send you for a band on your guts.  Law Enforcement and the judicial system will help curb many of your worst habits.  Eventually, all bad habits end.

Good habits, though? No such luck.  Indeed, if pressed, most health professionals will admit there is very little in their arsenal which will successfully curb good habits.

Got the habit of a brisk 5-mile walk every day?  Get used to it, because studies show if you stop that walk you’ll die years earlier.

Used to plenty of vegetables and whole grains in your diet?  Better acquire a taste for them, because if you try switching to a normal diet of burgers and fries, your system will shut down; in your weakened state of good health you can’t take the punishment of 3500 calories with bacon and cheese and orange sauce on a puffy white flour bun.

Drink plenty of clean water every day?  Step forward and admit to your drinking problem, and ponder your predicament when the day comes and there IS no clean drinking water.  What will you do then, eh?  Shake and shiver, junky.

What about hard work?  Hard work and good fortune will ill prepare you for days and days of F’ing O when you’re unemployed, or worthless and retired.  Hard work will get you addicted to things like electricity and driving a car.  Be there for your family, and they’ll never leave you alone, not on your birthday, not on holidays, and yes, not even on your deathbed.  If you value loneliness, helping others and giving of your self is a certain recipe for being endlessly bothered.

It’s hard to maintain bad habits; society punishes those free spirits who F.O. as a profession.  Instead, we’re constantly bombarded with messages like “get plenty of fiber” and “daily exercise is the key to physical and mental health”.  Push push push until the gullible and unwary start healthy habits because propaganda has made it seem “cool” and “hip” and “sensible.”   Most impressionable of all, are, of course, the children, our little ambassadors to the future who should be naturals at short-term rewards and care free indulgence.  Instead, they are subject to daily admonitions against smoking, or drinking, or doing drugs made in someone’s kitchen, or parties with kindly older men.  It’s reached the point where many children will reach for dried cranberries before they’ll reach for a deep fat fried Mars bar.   Oh, the Humanity!  Won’t someone think of the children?

Who’s behind the propaganda?  Most often, it’s the government; indeed, with Michelle Obama in the White House, this is a problem that goes all the way to the top.

Your Fringe Editor encourages you to use moderation in all things, an especially moderation.  Excessive moderation can be a problem you’ll spend a long life trying to undo.

Go smoke something!  Have a mini pizza!  Spend the night in a strange bed!  Don’t let your 80’s get you!

Good Luck!

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